Based off of @turbobyakuren’s amazing text post on twitter!
I was hanging around at my boyfriend’s place (in hindsight he was probably Satan) and we were just chilling, doing normal things, when a long, sleek, black car pulled up outside of his house. My boyfriend, suddenly very nervous and twitchy, told me to go and hide in the closet. When I asked him what was up, he just told me it was a “work associate” so I went and did as he said. I peeked a little bit out of the closet to see who this person was. I wanted to see who could possibly get my boyfriend, the actual Devil, to tremble in fear. And lo and behold, it was Ted Cruz.
Reflections on this post:
1. I need to read URLs.
2. “in hindsight he was probably Satan” may be the single greatest hook to a story that I’ve ever seen.
3. The levels of stress and suspense that occur in the rising action here rival that of some of the greatest survival horror works that exist on this earth.
4. “And lo and behold, it was Ted Cruz” is probably the only sentence that could make the conclusion to this story more terrifying, and ended the story in a way far superior to anything my own sense of dread could have come up with.
Get yourself un-shadowbanned
That post seems to be going around a bit but not the reblog on how to fix it, so here’s another
- Go to postlimit, put in your blog name, TAKE A SCREENSHOT
- Go to tumblr support and file a support ticket. Category: Blog incorrectly marked explicit. Details: posts hidden from search results. Attach the screenshot. Do this even if you’ve already filed a support ticket N days ago without a screenshot. Make sure the relevant blog is chosen and you have the right contact email address.
They got back to me within an hour.
Seriously - follow this. I was shadow-banned, and they fixed it within seconds.
Not an exaggeration - I got the “we received your ticket” and “we’ve fixed it” e-mail in the same minute.
ok I filled this support form out TWICE without hearing back from staff for weeks, but literally the second i sent the form with the screenshot the problem was resolved - there is clearly some sort of bot checking for attachments so this is a genuinely good solution if you’ve been shadowbanned
Oh yeah hey guys I had an actual chat with a pornbot
I’M SCREAMING!!!!
Yeeeeee
Holy fuck
I told you.
I’m screaming
Pornbots: become human!!!
SHE WENT DEVIANT
Hope she doesn’t get fired for sharing the truth
my hand slipped
i never posted anything about detroit become human, so have this pornbot going deviant, it probably counts
why you should all consider getting chickens
- a small backyard, a decent fence and the will to make a safe coop for your fluffy dames is all you need to make it happen
- they will eat your vegetable scraps and gobble down pretty much any kind of food waste, turning discarded crusts and mushy fruit into big fat eggs full of protein!
- and depending on which breed you buy, they will lay an egg almost every day. free, nutritious food every morning! what other pet will do that?
- it’s a misconception that eating eggs is inherently cruel, or that you need a rooster for your chickens to lay eggs! all the eggs you buy in supermarkets are unfertilised, which means there is no chance of that egg ever hatching. you’re not eating a potential life, your chickens will lay eggs regardless of whether there’s a rooster around
- so only buy a rooster to go with your lovely ladies if you want baby chicks - otherwise, just get some girls and enjoy those omelettes!
- the way cage egg farms are run is terrible, and you can’t always be sure that a free range farm is as idyllic as the picture you see on the carton. lots of sad chookies who can’t perch or scratch or eat grass and clean themselves. :(
- this way, you will always be certain that your girls are happy, healthy, doing what chicken are meant to do and eating what chickens should be eating, which means bigger and better eggs for you!
- you can give eggs to your friends! give eggs to strangers! eggs for everyone!
- tiny and furious lawnmowers. chickens LOVE grass, especially clover. if you have a small backyard, they will do all the work of keeping the grass trimmed.
- a caution, pls buy your chicken a friend - they will get lonely if you only buy one. my friend had two chickens and one died, leaving Gizmo all alone. she got depressed and stopped laying, so they put her in the rabbit hutch. now she has a best friend bunny called Jimmy and she’s very happy! she often sits on him and purrs.
- chickens are good around most other pets - cats and chickens usually regard each other with mutual indifference and disdain, but they generally bond with dogs. however, if you know your pooch or kitty is particularly aggressive, make sure you check it won’t be a problem!
- scratch scratch scratch, scratch party!!
- one time I was cleaning out the stables and my chicken came over, saw that I was using a big rake and went !!!! scratch time!!! and she started scratching furiously next to me like she was trying to help
- they’re very clean animals and will clean themselves every day with a dust bath and a thorough preening
- when it starts raining it takes them a good 10 seconds to process what’s happening, then they RUN to shelter
- gloriously stupid tiny velociraptor running
- peck peck peck. is food? I check! peck. not food!
- rip all snails and slugs that live in your garden
- they will also go after mice and spiders
- chicken poop is great fertiliser! when you clean out their coop, spread the poo on your garden and watch your flowers and veggies grow!
- kiddos LOVE chickens!!
- seriously, looking after chickens is a great job for little kids - any little fella can fill up their water and give them some food, and collecting a warm, fresh egg every morning is so rewarding for them!!!
- hours of entertainment watching their antics
- some (not all) like a cuddle! the ladies will let you know what their preference is. they may also gently peck and groom you because they love you.
- you can give them fancy names like lottie, ethel and lady beatrice so it sounds like they’re a supporting cast in a Jane Austen novel
- in conclusion give a pretty chicken a happy home today
Also: you want a bird friend? well it is PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY for you and the chicken to be friends! After thousand and thousands of years of domestication, chickens are basically genetically programmed to be happy to live with humans.
why you should all consider getting chickens
- a small backyard, a decent fence and the will to make a safe coop for your fluffy dames is all you need to make it happen
- they will eat your vegetable scraps and gobble down pretty much any kind of food waste, turning discarded crusts and mushy fruit into big fat eggs full of protein!
- and depending on which breed you buy, they will lay an egg almost every day. free, nutritious food every morning! what other pet will do that?
- it’s a misconception that eating eggs is inherently cruel, or that you need a rooster for your chickens to lay eggs! all the eggs you buy in supermarkets are unfertilised, which means there is no chance of that egg ever hatching. you’re not eating a potential life, your chickens will lay eggs regardless of whether there’s a rooster around
- so only buy a rooster to go with your lovely ladies if you want baby chicks - otherwise, just get some girls and enjoy those omelettes!
- the way cage egg farms are run is terrible, and you can’t always be sure that a free range farm is as idyllic as the picture you see on the carton. lots of sad chookies who can’t perch or scratch or eat grass and clean themselves. :(
- this way, you will always be certain that your girls are happy, healthy, doing what chicken are meant to do and eating what chickens should be eating, which means bigger and better eggs for you!
- you can give eggs to your friends! give eggs to strangers! eggs for everyone!
- tiny and furious lawnmowers. chickens LOVE grass, especially clover. if you have a small backyard, they will do all the work of keeping the grass trimmed.
- a caution, pls buy your chicken a friend - they will get lonely if you only buy one. my friend had two chickens and one died, leaving Gizmo all alone. she got depressed and stopped laying, so they put her in the rabbit hutch. now she has a best friend bunny called Jimmy and she’s very happy! she often sits on him and purrs.
- chickens are good around most other pets - cats and chickens usually regard each other with mutual indifference and disdain, but they generally bond with dogs. however, if you know your pooch or kitty is particularly aggressive, make sure you check it won’t be a problem!
- scratch scratch scratch, scratch party!!
- one time I was cleaning out the stables and my chicken came over, saw that I was using a big rake and went !!!! scratch time!!! and she started scratching furiously next to me like she was trying to help
- they’re very clean animals and will clean themselves every day with a dust bath and a thorough preening
- when it starts raining it takes them a good 10 seconds to process what’s happening, then they RUN to shelter
- gloriously stupid tiny velociraptor running
- peck peck peck. is food? I check! peck. not food!
- rip all snails and slugs that live in your garden
- they will also go after mice and spiders
- chicken poop is great fertiliser! when you clean out their coop, spread the poo on your garden and watch your flowers and veggies grow!
- kiddos LOVE chickens!!
- seriously, looking after chickens is a great job for little kids - any little fella can fill up their water and give them some food, and collecting a warm, fresh egg every morning is so rewarding for them!!!
- hours of entertainment watching their antics
- some (not all) like a cuddle! the ladies will let you know what their preference is. they may also gently peck and groom you because they love you.
- you can give them fancy names like lottie, ethel and lady beatrice so it sounds like they’re a supporting cast in a Jane Austen novel
- in conclusion give a pretty chicken a happy home today
Also: you want a bird friend? well it is PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY for you and the chicken to be friends! After thousand and thousands of years of domestication, chickens are basically genetically programmed to be happy to live with humans.
RUN FOR IT BOYS
The panicked jingle in their collars! Poor babies. 😂
When one goes, they all go with em
parimak